I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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