Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
