She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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