Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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