Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
