i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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