Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
