I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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