i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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