We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
