I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
