woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
