I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize