My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
