OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
