Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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