he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
