the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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