The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
