just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
