just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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