apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
