I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
