hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
