oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
