hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
