Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
