Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
