I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
