My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
