You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
