Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The uberlube is also flammable
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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