So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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