I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
