My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize