Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize