I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i out mim tonsoeep
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
