At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
