I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
