Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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