guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize