Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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