Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
