I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
