my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
