I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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