I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
