We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We're like a lot better than the average bears
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You left your phone here
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