I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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