I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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