Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
