The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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