I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
