Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
