the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
