i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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