highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
