There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
