I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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