Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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