No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
