put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
