i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
