Don't make out with my wife yet
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
whose parrot is this?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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