Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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