Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
