My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
