I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
