I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
