This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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